Bad Santas by Paul Hawkins

Author:Paul Hawkins [Hawkins, Paul]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781471129858
Publisher: Simon & Schuster

Shit log, shit me a gift

Shit me turrón 12 and shit me sweets,

If you don’t shit well,

I’ll hit you with a stick, shit log!

Upon hearing the song, and on being beaten repeatedly, the log will excrete one gift at a time. These are usually small treats such as sweets and chocolate that the parents have concealed inside the log or under the blanket. The adult reaches under the blanket and ‘finds’ what the Tió de Nadal has excreted. A great play is made of the effort the log has gone to in order to produce the gift, and then the next child (if there is more than one) takes their turn to beat the log and chant for a gift to be ‘shat’ out. And so on and so on until there are a number of sweets and chocolates for the family to share.

The ceremony ends when the log no longer produces sweets but instead excretes something sharper – usually a herring or a bulb of garlic. This means the log has run dry for the year and the ceremony is over.

Usually the Tió de Nadal only produces small gifts such as sweets and chocolates. There are larger presents but they don’t come from the Christmas log, or for that matter from Saint Nicholas 13 or even Santa Claus, but instead from the first of all festive gift-givers in Christian belief – the Three Kings. Because it was said that the Three Kings arrived on 6 January to give presents to the baby Jesus, it is now claimed in Spain that they also come on the eve of 6 January to give gifts to all the children.

Much like the celebration of St Nicholas’s arrival in the Netherlands, the arrival of the Three Kings is a public event. They arrive by boat on 5 January, and that evening there is a big festival with floats, bands and a carnival procession. Also, much like the St Nicholas traditions, children leave their shoes out overnight on 5 January, and the following morning the Three Kings have brought them gifts.

The Three Kings’ procession is a hugely popular event in Spain but, as is the case everywhere else, US films and television shows have brought Santa Claus into wider public consciousness and led to awkward questions from children. There is also a growing tradition of bigger presents being given out by the Tió de Nadal in recent times, which has created a situation where some Catalan parents feel pressured by the presence of a trio of gift-givers, and some children get presents three times over.

The official origin of Three Kings’ Day is that in 1885 the Spanish Government called for an annual parade to honour the Three Wise Men. However, Clement A. Miles, who studied Christmas traditions around Europe in the early twentieth century, reports that a tradition in Madrid already existed where men would go out with pots and pans and make as much noise as possible. A procession travelled around the city whilst

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